What’s Wrong with the Family?

The family can be one of life’s greatest blessings.

One of my favorite family memories was when over 100 descendants of my Great-Grandparents Clarence and Roberta Keith gathered together for a family reunion in 2014. It was a time of love, encouragement, faith, and fun. I went away refreshed and renewed.

But we don’t always leave family gatherings that way. Family can also inflict some of the deepest wounds.

So many families seem stuck in patterns that are harmful and hurtful rather than helpful and encouraging.

Is there any way out of these family problems?

In order to understand the way out, I think we first need to understand what creates, freezes, and intensifies family problems.

My basic thesis is this. Problems always exist, but blaming others freezes or intensifies family problems. Taking responsibility for one’s own functioning promotes family healing.

Think about it. If we blame other people, there’s very little we can do about it. Our options are limited because our ability to change others is rather limited. On the other side, though it’s not easy to change ourselves, it can be done. If we are to change the way the family relates, then taking responsibility for our own functioning is our best option.

I believe that this is illustrated in the first book of the Bible, Genesis. Genesis shows us that blaming others freezes or intensifies family problems and that when one member takes responsibility for his or her own functioning, there is opportunity for family healing.

Take our first father Adam as an example. The occasion of the family problem was that he did exactly what God told him not to. At that point, he could have taken responsibility. He could have confessed his own sin and apologized to God and his family.

Instead, he blamed his wife. “The woman You gave me . . .” He introduced division into the relationship with his wife by placing the responsibility for the wrong squarely on her shoulders. Remember that Eve did have a role in this, but what Adam ignored was his own role. This brought alienation and shame into the family.

The seriousness of this pattern can be clearly seen in the next generation. God accepted the sacrifice of Abel, Adam and Eve’s son, but not the sacrifice of their other son Cain. The problem was between God and Cain, but what did Cain do? He blamed Abel. The end result was that Cain killed Abel and refused to take responsibility for the murder, even when confronted by God. In this case, blaming intensified the family problem.

One more example of blaming. God promised to Abraham and Sarah that they would have a son, but it took a long time. Women often feel and at that time certainly felt that childlessness was a threat to their identity, and so no doubt Sarah felt very anxious about it. Then, she had to wait many childless years for God’s promise of a child to be fulfilled. No doubt this increased her anxiety. In the midst of this, she came up with a solution that was common in the day but contrary to God’s design (see my article on God’s design for the family ): for Abraham to have a child with her servant Hagar.