Just mentioning that wives should respect their husbands can be controversial. Who is a guy to think that he can tell women what they should do? What is the basis for telling wives that they should respect their husbands, let alone submit to them?
The basis is the Bible. The Apostle Paul wrote, “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33).
One irony of this verse is that when Paul wrote it, there was nothing less controversial than the idea that wives should respect and submit to their husbands. Everyone would have agreed with that. What would have seemed strange was the idea that the husband should love his wife and cherish her.
Today, the situation is reversed. The idea of a husband loving his wife is a no-brainer. The idea that a wife should respect her husband unconditionally seems strange and even wrong.
Yet there it is: husbands, love your wives. Wives, respect your husbands.
One reason that people may fear the language of unconditional respect is fear that husbands will misuse that respect and even abuse their wives. The problem with this perspective is what Dr. Emerson Eggerichs noted in his book Love and Respect. There are marriages where there are people of bad will. In such cases, the marriage may have to end. In cases of abuse, the spouse should draw clear boundaries and certainly seek safety where his or her life or health is threatened. What Dr. Eggerichs noted, however, was that many marriages of people of good will end as well. He wondered, why should this be the case?
This led him as a Pastor and Counselor to consider the verse that we just cited, Ephesians 5:33.
He then asked, why does it tell the husband and the wife to do two different things? Why the focus on love for the husband and respect for the wife?
Contemplating some of the research of Dr. John Gottman, he came up with an idea. Women generally speak and think in the language of love. Men generally speak and think in the language of respect. When they approach their spouse, they seek their need for companionship in the terms that make sense to them. When they hear their spouse speaking, they think primarily in terms of their own needs.
So, for example, a wife generally wants to be close with her husband and connect with him face to face. If she feels like the need is not being met, then she will not be able to hear “love” in his talk of getting a new motorcycle or fishing gear or a big screen TV.
Conversely, men generally desire to conquer things. They want to be out and doing or working on something at home. If the wife says, “let’s sit down, have coffee, and chat together on the couch,” the husband can often only hear an attempt to keep him from doing things that he desires to do. This is especially true if he does not feel an appreciation or respect for his interests.
If no one steps out of their own perspective, then conflict or withdrawal is the probable result. This is what Dr. Eggerichs calls “the crazy cycle.” It looks like the diagram below:
The husband does not feel respected, and so he withdraws. The wife feels threatened by that, and she attacks. The husband continues to withdraw because the attack feels like a lack of respect. His withdrawal makes her feel less loved and so on. It’s a crazy cycle.
So, what can be done? One spouse has to follow the instructions in Ephesians 5:33. One person has to step out and say, I’m going to love or respect unconditionally.
What would that look like? In the cases cited above, the husband can see his wife’s request for a conversation as her need for love rather than an attempt to control or keep him from things. He can see that she just wants to connect with him. The wife can appreciate and commend her husband’s desire to try new things, to explore, to achieve more, and to do things together with her.
Someone might ask, why should I do this? Why shouldn’t I focus on my need for love or respect? Why should I let it go?
For the Christian, we have the direct command of God. He is telling us that we should focus on our own part in the relationship. In the context of Ephesians, this is not a bare command. It is given in the context of God telling us that He will take care of our needs for love and respect. He will also empower us with the grace to serve others, even when we think we can’t.
The other motivation is that focusing on the needs of others is a far more effective way to ensure that our spouse will be motivated to love or respect us in return. As Eggerichs points out, “When you touch your spouse’s deepest need, something good almost always happens.” This can lead to what he calls “the energizing cycle.” It is pictured below:
The point is that when one person seeks to meet their spouse’s deepest needs, a reciprocity will develop. A husband’s love motivates her respect, which motivates his love, which motivates her respect, and so on.
The key thing is to recognize the other person’s way of expressing their affection and needs. A husband can learn to appreciate that his wife just needs him to listen sometimes. A wife can learn to appreciate that her husband’s analysis is his own form of empathy. A husband can learn that face to face communication is her way of developing companionship, not an attempt to control. A wife can learn that for many husbands, working side by side on something is just as meaningful to him as face to face interaction is for her.
This is how marriages of people of good will can get on track and begin to flourish. One spouse needs to focus on their own role in the situation rather than worrying so much about what the other person is doing. In an ironic way, this can lead to a more fulfilling marriage for both spouses.