Behind our emotions are stories. We tell ourselves messages that shape our hearts and minds and actions.
These messages may drive us forward, messages like “you have skill,” “you can learn,” “you will be alright,” “people like you,” “God will take care of you,” and so on.
Other messages keep us from moving forward: “you are not valuable,” “you are incompetent,” “you will lose everything,” “people will not like you,” “you will be alone,” “you won’t have resources,” and so on.
It’s not always easy to know what these messages are. They are often buried so deep that they are not readily available to our consciousness.
Here’s one example from my own life.
My wife is a homemaker, and, throughout our married life, I have often been frustrated with the state of the house. It has taken me a long time to understand the message I am telling myself: I can’t be OK if the house is in disorder. This, of course, is not true, but it’s what I’ve told myself over and over.
Thinking a bit more about this message, I started to wonder where that message came from. My personality is inclined to want an orderly environment, but I dug deeper. I realized my Mother was a very orderly person. I regard this as a real virtue. She kept the house in virtually perfect order. I grew up expecting that this was how the house would be. Without my effort, the house was just always magically in order!
Then, I started thinking about my wife. She is much more tolerant of chaos and disorder than my Mother was. She can function very well with things being disorganized and stuff being everywhere. I actually regard this as a real virtue as well, one I need to grow in!
There is another difference between my Mom and my wife. My Mom had two children. My wife has seven! It’s just not going to work out the same way, no matter how much we may want it to.
The seven children show a great variety in their toleration for cleanliness and order. I have one daughter who is able to function in conditions that would drive my crazy. Below is a picture of the work conditions in which she made clothes for her dolls. I really admire her ability to adapt to almost any condition!
All these reflections have helped me change my attitude about the house. Instead of frustration, I can even feel admiration for how my wife holds things together and is able to do so well in the midst of so many distractions in our house.
How was I able to get there? I had to take time to really think through the message that I was telling myself. I had to peel back the layers and see something of what was going on in my mind and heart.
I think the first step in the transformation of our character and mentality is beginning to ask, what is the message I am telling myself? Then, we can evaluate its truth and value.
The messages we tell ourselves shape our lives, but we they don’t have to be. We can discover what these messages are and choose to tell different ones. In my view, this is one key to learning to live a different and better type of life.