Tag: Method

Posted on

What All Self-Help Books Have in Common

Summary: what all self-help books have in common is the view that we can change by taking control of our interactions with the world. In this article, I flesh out what this means and how to do it.

Caring for ourselves is one of our highest priorities. What you are is what you offer to the world. What you are is what you have to live with. What you are is what will enable you to accomplish anything and enjoy anything. Because of this, there are millions of books on the subject of caring for yourself. That is a good thing. We have the most direct responsibility for ourselves, and what we make of ourselves is one of the most important gifts we give to the world.

I have read many of these books through the years from Aristotle to Cicero to Seneca to Carnegie to Covey to Ramsey to Ferriss. Each has its own angle, but there is one thing that they have in common. There is one thing that they all agree will help us be the best we can be and do the most we can do.

What is it? Take control of how we interact with the world. Taking control of how we interact with the world is the one thing that we can do for ourselves that no one can do for us. In our relationship systems, we can’t make others take control of their reactions and interactions, but we can work on taking control of our own.

Most of us do not take control of many things that we could take control of. We assume that our emotions are what they are. We assume that money and time will go where they go. We assume that the things that hurt have to hurt. We assume that relationship interactions just are the way they are. The self-help books counter this narrative and offer an alternative path. They suggest that things can be different and have been different. People can take control of the way they interact with the world.

Let me suggest five areas where we can take control of our interaction with the world. Then, I will explain the model they use for taking control of these interactions.

Five Interactions to Control
1. Our emotional reactions to the world. Our emotions are loud and feel like they are completely natural. But they are not. They are based to a significant degree on the stories we tell ourselves and the way we think about the world. Emotions are often based on false stories and impressions. We should not assume that what we are mad about is really an injustice, that what we fear is a real threat, that what we are sad about is a real loss, or that what we are happy about is really good. It may be, but it may not be. We should analyze it. Aristotle explained how fear could be a virtue or a vice, “The man who fears what, nor when, nor as he ought is foolhardy; the man who fears what he ought not, and on the wrong occasions, and in the wrong manner is cowardly” (Eudemian Ethics,2.3). Analyze your fears and your other emotions to see if you are feeling them in accord with reality and in the time and in the way that you should.

2. Our reaction to hurt and disappointment. This is really not that different from #1, but it is important because the hurts and disappointments of the past can easily debilitate us in the present and keep us from productive work in the future. Hurts hurt, but they can be put to productive uses. The things we suffer can build in us a passion for the good. The Bible says that these tests produce character, so we can actually look at suffering with a sort of joy, even while suffering. “We glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; and patience, experience; and experience, hope . . .” (Romans 5:3–4). We can work through our sufferings in such a way that they actually bring us hope. That is a powerful motivation to rethink our reactions to hurt and disappointment.

3. Our reactions to other people. Our reactions to other people are deeply ingrained and powerful. So, they are difficult to change. In addition, part of the equation is what other people do. We have little power to change that. Fortunately, we are also part of the relationship equation. We can change that. We can learn how we interact and begin to interact differently. Consider one simple example from Dale Carnegie: smile. It makes a huge difference. Greet people warmly, like a dog, he said. This is the most surface of examples to a complex and deep problem. However, it illustrates that we can control our interactions with people.

4. Our interaction with time and money. Retired people find that they are just as busy as when they were not retired. The reason is that time has a way of filling up. Money is the same way. Without a plan, money will flow out the door. However, if you take control of your time and money, you can use them effectively. This is especially true of your non-work time. It’s easy to just putter it away. You’ve got to take control it, if you really want it to be effective for what you want to accomplish. Dave Ramsey’s Money Makeover is an example. What he is saying is that you don’t just handle your money randomly. You take control of it, and you decide what you will do with it. He has one specific plan, but it is just one of many.

5. Our interaction with the future. What are our goals? We want to move beyond just managing our lives day to day. In addition, what we do today will be based on a vision for the future. What is that vision? What are we trying to be and accomplish? In many ways, this is the key to all of the above. This is the idea behind Jordan Peterson’s program Self-Authoring. He encourages people to gain motivation by getting a vision for how things could go really well in the future and how they could really go badly. His plan is about thinking about the future and taking control of how we interact with it.

These are five areas where we can take control of our interactions with the world. We don’t have control of everything, but we have control of how we interact with the world. All of these authors indicate that we don’t have to think and interact in the way we have done so in the past. We can think differently now and in the future. So, how do we do it?

How to Do It
1. Work on it. We start by recognizing that we can work on our relationships, emotions, time management, etc. We don’t have to do it the way we have done it before. We can ask, how have we done it? How could we do it differently? What would be a better way to think about it? What would be a better way to approach things?

2. Implement it. When we know the better way to interact with the world, we can implement it. For example, when we see our bank account dwindling, we may have one way of reacting. We can start to think differently about losing savings. This gets harder the more emotional intensity is in the mix. We are not going to change things overnight.

3. Evaluate it. We should ask ourselves, especially in difficult circumstances, how did we do interacting with the world? Did we follow our time management plan? Did we interact well with our children? How was our emotional response? What went wrong and when? How could we have done it differently? We can evaluate what we have done and practice mentally doing it differently.

4. Repeat it. We keep doing it. We keep thinking about it. We keep growing. We gain new insight. We keep implementing it. We keep working on our interactions with the world.

All of these self-help books also give us hope. These things can make a difference. Humans don’t have to stay the way they are. They can change. It’s not easy, but it can happen. As American essayist and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, “To me, however, the question of the times resolved itself into a practical question of the conduct of life. How shall I live? We are incompetent to solve the times” (The Conduct of Life, cited in Essays and Lectures [Library of America], 943 ). We can’t change a lot of things about our world, but we can change how we live. That’s what all self-help books, ancient and modern, agree on.

Thank you for taking the time to read this article. I hope that it was helpful to you. If you liked it, please consider sharing it on social media or subscribing below. I hope to see you here again!

________

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

Posted on

The Pursuit and Priority of Joy

An Important Question

In a series of talks John Ortberg did with Dallas Willard just before Willard’s death, he recounted a conversation that he had with Dallas about churches:

During one of the first times Dallas and I talked, I asked about the churches. Some churches are great at music and worship. Some churches are effective at evangelism or reaching folks outside of them. Other churches are teaching factories. Others are great at assimilating people. And still others are good at acts of justice and compassion. But, I asked Dallas, where are the churches that are producing abnormally loving and joyful, patient, courageous people in inexplicably high percentages?

It’s a great question. Why don’t we see more joyful, hopeful, and patient Christians? Is it even possible to see Christians who are “abnormally loving and joyful”? I began to think about as I studied a variety of writers from different perspectives.

My Path to the Pursuit of Joy

Many writers from a variety of perspectives have helped me think about joy. One writer was Rick Hanson and his book Hardwiring Happiness. He describes well our basic “joy” problem, “Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences but Teflon for positive ones” (Read more here, 27). He noted that we can think all day about someone who makes a negative comment to us. However, when someone compliments us, we quickly forget it. This is true of most other good experiences. If we can turn that around, we can begin to experience happiness without minimizing the difficulties of life.

Another way I began to think about joy was by studying family systems theory. Michael Kerr is a psychologist and proponent of Bowen Family Systems Theory. He advocates trying to see our automatic emotional responses and developing an ability to choose our emotional states through a combination of awareness, learning, and practice. He suggests that “[i]t does not help to tell others to calm down; the key is to live it by calming oneself” (in Bowen Theory’s Secrets: Revealing the Hidden Life of Families). They key takeaway from this theory was that we do not have to go up and down according to the emotions of those around us. We can learn to live and feel differently.

Ancient philosophy also had much to say on this topic. I found a perspective among the Stoics that was similar to Bowen Family Systems Theory. To my surprise, they did not teach an emotion-less, Spock-like state. Instead, they emphasized learning to experience happiness and joy. Seneca writes: “Above all, my dear Lucilius, make this your business. Learn how to feel joy” (Letter XXIII). Throughout his letters, he teaches us how we can experience joy in a variety of circumstances by focusing on that which brings us joy in every situation rather than that which changes.

After reading all these sources, I wondered: if these people can live with joy and calm without the resources of the good news about Jesus Christ, shouldn’t Christians be able do much more with the joyful and glad tidings about Jesus? Indeed, Christians also have wrestled with the challenge of emotions. One of the most well-known is Peter Scazzero and his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. He emphasizes the possibility and importance of experiencing joy in our spiritual life: “True spirituality frees us to live joyfully in the present” (71).

I have also found that this is a strong emphasis in the Christian tradition of virtue ethics. Here’s just a couple quotes from the Roman Catholic theologian Josef Pieper that illustrate how integral joy is to their thinking. “There can of course be love without pain and sorrow, but love without joy is impossible” (36). He also says, “Even unhappy or unrequited love has broken through the principle of isolation on which ‘the whole philosophy of hell rests’ and so has gained a solid basis for joy, a part no matter how small of ‘paradise’” (37). You can read more in Anthology, his own selection of his most important works, which he put together at the end of his life.

This is just a small selection of the variety of writers who said that we can live above our circumstances and experience real joy in this life. They all taught that this isn’t automatic or common but that it is really possible and a worthy goal. As a Christian, I thought, if this is so important, wouldn’t the Bible have something to say on this? Of course, it does.

The Clarity of the Bible on the Pursuit and Priority of Joy

Paul’s letter to the Romans is one of the most profound statements of Christian theology. But what is it all about? It’s worth considering that Paul may have shown us what the purpose is at the end of his discussion of the doctrinal and practical issues of the letter. In Romans 15:13, he concludes that discussion with the following benediction: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Rom. 15:13). Obviously, an emphasis on joy was very important for him!

This is confirmed by what he says in Romans 14:17: “For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit.” The kingdom of God is all about joy! It is a fruit of the work of the Holy Spirit (see Gal. 5:22). The Heidelberg Catechism grasped this centrality when it asked, “What is the rising-to-life of the new self?” Its answer: “Wholehearted joy in God through Christ and a love and delight to live according to the will of God by doing every kind of good work.”

This is probably why he gives the command in Philippians 4:4 that is repeated so often through Scripture: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” This duty to have joy is described well in our Westminster Shorter Catechism. “What is the chief end of man?” It asks. And it answers: “to glorify God and enjoy Him forever” (emphasis mine).

Paul’s command is in line with what we read over and over in the Psalms. “But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful” (Psalm 68:3). Isaac Watts wrote his song “Joy to the World” based on Psalm 98, “Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music” (v. 4).

When Jesus prayed for His disciples at the end of His life, His prayer was prayed so that they might feel joy. He said to His Father, “I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them” (John 17:13). This is in line with what he had said to them earlier, “I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete” (John 15:13).

If there is so much unanimity among philosophers and so many strong words on this in Scripture, why do we experience so little joy?

General Obstacles to Pursuing Joy

First, do we even make it a goal? Do we have a vision for what God can and will do to make us a hopeful, joyful, peaceful people? Do we pray for this work in ourselves and others? Do we pray for a transformed character in the lives of the people around us and in ourselves? That’s where it starts.

Second, do we see that it is a process? If we do not, then we easily fall prey to delusion or despair. Delusion, because it puts pressure on us to pretend we have something we do not have or to a degree we do not have it. Despair, because we just keep waiting for it to happen, and it doesn’t.

On the other hand, if we see that it is a process, we can understand that though we may not be a joyful person today and probably won’t morph into one tomorrow, we can become more joyful over the course of time, in a year or three years or five years. This enables us to submit to God’s process and be patient with ourselves and others. We can encourage others that change is possible.

Third, are we re-thinking all of reality from God’s perspective? For example, do we view our houses and homes and possessions with a greater value than God would place on them? Do we concern ourselves with results or simply doing God’s will? Do we retaliate when people get angry with us, or do we see that we are created and redeemed for gentleness, even when others aren’t gentle? Do we see people in the church as members of the same body together (see Rom. 12:3–8)?

I remember one of the elders in our church describing monetary savings this way: savings is one way our heavenly Father provides for our future. That means that we should save, but we should not rely on our savings. It is merely one means by which our heavenly Father provides for us. That perspective has helped me view my savings with less anxiety. When surprising bills for car, home, or health come up, I deal with it with greater peace. Savings is good to have, but I’m dependent on my Father, not savings. That is re-thinking all of reality from God’s perspective.

Fourth, do we view suffering as an unmitigated evil or as gift from God to enable us to grow? When we get sick, are we more concerned about getting healthy than learning to be sick in a godly way? Do we see the challenges that people who oppose us bring us opportunity to become the people who know how to love even in difficult situations? That is embracing suffering as God’s training in a joyful, godly life.

Fifth, do we get other people involved? It’s hard to see our own weaknesses. We need other people to help us see ourselves. We often don’t hear God’s perspective well until we hear it from the lips of other people. We need to get involved with the church and the people God provides as a resource for our growth in grace. As the Apostle Paul said, “I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong—that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith” (Romans 1:11–12).

Specific Things that Keep Us from Joy

The first and most important thing that we need to consider is, are we finding our joy in God and His love for us? That is an unchangeable foundation and rock for our joy and peace. Or, are we finding our joy and peace in things that change and cannot provide us with a foundation?

We miss out on joy when we make other things the primary source of our joy. People can make us lose our joy. When they don’t accept us or distance from us, we can lose our joy.

Lack of security can keep us from joy. We lose our joy when we see our retirement account depleted or get an expected health, home, or auto bill that we’re not sure how we can pay for.

Lack of pleasures or presence of pain can keep us from joy. We want to experience good things that we are not or we are feeling painful things that we want to avoid.

Lack of success can rob us of our joy. When we base our joy on how well we do or how much we accomplish, we can lose our joy when things don’t work out the way we hoped.

Only God can be our ultimate source of joy. However, when we have God as out ultimate joy, then we can also find joy in the people in our lives, the things that make us secure, the pleasures we experience, and the successes we experience. In fact, we have many more things that can cause us joy than we tend to notice. We not only can but should take note of these things.

A Brief Method for Pursuing Joy

So, how do we do it? How do we make pursuing joy part of our busy schedules?

First, remember that joy is a gift of the Holy Spirit, and it is readily available to all who ask.

Second, ask for the gift. Begin your day with even a brief meditation on God and His goodness. Think of how He made you, takes care of you, loves you, redeems you, and is present with you to guide you, lead you, and comfort you. Then, pray for your day and ask God to fill you with His joy. Do this every day.

Third, schedule some time for thoughtful reflection, even if it’s only 10 minutes a week. When you do that, ask, What kept me from joy and peace this week? Then ask, how could I have thought differently about that situation or seen God’s goodness in a way that would have enabled me to continue to experience joy? Finally, write down what your thought is or record it in mp3 on your phone, just some way in which you can review it.

This third point is the key practice. I find that there are two ways that can really help you thoughtfully reflect on your life. The first is to write down what happened, to journal. I think this is best because it provides a record of where you’ve been. The second is to talk about it with someone you trust, i.e., verbal processing. You can do both or either. The key is to do it.

Fourth, keep doing it.

Some Objections to Pursuing Joy

Why wouldn’t we do this? Here are a few common objections.

1. “I don’t have an exuberant personality.” An exuberant personality is not the same as joy. Joy is founded on hope, the firm conviction that all things will turn out well. This should lead us at times to be exuberant. However, the exuberant person who bases their joy on personality will often find it shaken in times of real challenge.

2. “I’m going through hard things.” Sorrow is not inconsistent with joy. Paul said that he is “sorrowing yet joyful” (2 Cor. 6:10). We should grieve, but grief should not be our deepest response. We should never grieve as those who have no hope.

3. “I’m too busy to worry about it.” Feeling joy in the goodness of God is what life is all about. It’s central to who we are as human. It’s as important to our health as eating (if not more so). It is the fuel for everything else.

The Advantages of Pursuing Joy

Why do it? Here are a few motivations.

1. It’s good. To be joyful is a good thing. Who truly would not want to experience joy in every situation? So, why not pursue it?

2. It frees us to act. When we are in despair and lack joy, then it is hard for us to move forward. Joy enables us to move forward with strength. When we feel joy, we can serve others and the world with strength.

3. It glorifies God. God wants us to be joyful and find joy in Him. Finding joy in Him says that God is greater than our circumstances. Because of God’s goodness, the door to lasting joy is wide open. The Dutch Reformed theologian Wilhelmus à Brakel put it this way: “Have you not tolerated this heaviness and sorrow long enough and spent your time being melancholy?…God is pleased with the joy of His children [and wants them] to…leap for joy and sing His praises with joyful…lips” (The Christian’s Reasonable Service, 2.37).

Joy is available, if we will pursue it and make it a priority.

_______

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Posted on

How to Share Your Faith

Me Talking with Students at the Embassy in Pigeon Forge
In their Book Good Faith, David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons present statistics that demonstrate that Christians in the U.S. feel very hesitant to share their faith. This fits with my own experience. People are less likely to talk about their faith than ever before. But this does not need to be the case. Here’s why.

Why are people hesitant about sharing their faith? People are hesitant about pushy salespeople, whether they are selling Mormonism or a new car. We’ve all had experiences of salespeople that made us uncomfortable or got us to purchase things we don’t want. We don’t like those experiences, and we don’t want to be that person. It’s easy to think of sharing your faith like that.

Another reason is that we lack examples of good engagement on controversial issues. Most of our experience of engagement on these issues is from Twitter or Facebook. These venues do not encourage us with examples of productive engagement on any issue, let alone religion or politics.

Finally, people lack positive examples. People in the church can experience those who are obnoxious about theological issues or who accept everything in the name of loving people. They may not have experienced someone who can engage with love and respect and yet hold to their convictions with clarity and grace.

I am no expert on this topic, and I am often afraid of talking to people about anything, let alone my faith. I have an aversion to being pushy or high pressure. At the same time, I want to share my faith. My relationship with God is central to my life. I believe that my views on these matters are true, important, and helpful.

So, how do I do it? How do I deal with that tension? For me, the key is “honor and respect.”

This begins by valuing people because they are people. God values people, and I believe that I should, too. If I don’t value people enough to connect with them, then I will have no opportunity to share my faith. On the other side, if I only care about people if they agree with me, then I will not communicate love the way God wants me to.

To me, this means being a good listener. We should take an interest in what people think about life and faith. We can ask them questions: how does God fit into your life? What do you think of religion? How do you make sense of life? How do you find the resources to go forward? Then, we need to listen, really listen, to the answers.

Once someone has shared with us, then we can ask them if we can share our answers to these questions. If they say, “yes” (which they will probably do, if they feel listened to), then we can share the substance of our faith. If they say, “no,” then that’s OK. We have heard someone’s perspective and hopefully learned something.

Miroslav Volf in his book Flourishing noted that the Golden Rule applies to sharing our faith. If we want to share our faith with others, then we should let them share their faith with us.

If we begin this way, then we will find many doors open up for us. The key is to honor and love others and to be ready to listen.

I have had the opportunity to do this over the past couple of years with foreign students who have come to our area to work. I have a natural curiosity about these folks coming to our country. I love to hear about their country. I have also felt free to ask them about their religion and what it means to them. Whenever I have had occasion to share my faith, I have always told them that I would be interested in hearing about theirs. The result has been good. They have ended up asking me many questions about Christianity. I have had some wonderful times of discussion and ample opportunity to share my faith. It always begins with my curiosity and interest in them as human beings and their unique experiences.

We do need to speak to share our faith. However, as the Apostle James admonished us: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). This is a way of sharing our faith that honors our faith and the relationship.

Proudly powered by WordPress